Is it sin to live with my Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

Many people wonder, “Why do Christians make such a big deal about a boyfriend/girlfriend living together?” In light of this, we should each consider whether this is truly a biblical matter or simply a tradition passed down from previous generations who were shaped by purity culture and an outdated understanding of relationships.

Disclaimer: If you’re currently in this situation, this might feel like a hard word/post. The goal is not to make you feel condemned, shunned, exposed, or isolated. The goal is to invite you to consider the Lord’s voice, His Word, and its implications in your life. Please consider wrestling through this personally with the Lord. We are all learning, growing, and struggling with our own stuff in our own ways. Please don’t spiral away from Jesus and His people in shame. Lean in and own the fact that you, like everyone else, are a work in progress and are slowly learning and growing.

God wants life for you and me, and His ways are always meant for our good, protection, and flourishing as human beings. He wants us to thrive and experience abundant life. So the invitation is to repent of the ways in which you are living that bring death, and to embrace by faith His ways and truth, which bring real life.

When considering what the Bible has to say on this issue, it’s important to note that there is not a go-to proof text that says something like, “You shall not live with your boyfriend or girlfriend.” This is due in many ways to the fact that our twenty-first-century understanding of dating is a foreign concept to the original authors and audience of the Bible. They had a completely different context for understanding romantic relationships. But can we find a thread or theme throughout the Scriptures that speaks to this question? Absolutely.

To start, we must establish the fact that God views sex outside of marriage as sin. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” This means that any sexual activity outside of “the marriage bed” is wrong. The word translated “sexually immoral” is the Greek word porneia, which was understood in both Jewish and Greco-Roman cultures to refer to any sexual activity outside of marriage, including premarital sex. The Jews of Jesus’ day clearly saw sex before marriage as sinful based on Old Testament law, such as Deuteronomy 22, and porneia was their go-to word to describe it. When the audience of the book of Hebrews read this section of Scripture, there was no question about whether premarital sex was considered sin. The author’s point was clear.

So what? Why is this important? First Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality.” As believers in Christ, it’s important to recognize that we are under a moral obligation to sprint full speed away from the potential and temptation of sexual immorality. We are called to actively and intentionally guard ourselves and our significant other from this sin. To live romantically with someone you are not married to, is a rejection of this command from the Lord. Rather than obeying God and listening to His warning to flee, you are choosing to play with sin, and you are choosing to tempt your boyfriend or girlfriend. That is why this is such a big deal. If you truly care about your significant other, you do not want them to sin against God. You want their good, their life, and their flourishing. You don’t want to make them stumble, struggle, and sin. I know this is hard, especially in a culture that idolizes sex, romance, and relationships and consistently tells us this is a normal expression of our feelings.

If you live with your significant other, you are choosing to lead them into temptation and sin. Essentially, you are deciding that something else, such as money, convenience, or companionship, is more important than the spiritual good and protection of the person you say you love.

Hebrews also says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” God views marriage as a very big deal, and by acting married without a real marriage covenant, you are contributing to the cheap understanding of marriage that exists in our culture. Rather than honoring marriage, you are participating in the uncommitted, flaky, and counterfeit version of love that our world presents as normal or best.

Lastly, a word on your witness. If you call yourself a follower of Jesus, you are called to live in a way that serves as an example of the Lord to a dying world, imperfectly, by grace and repentance. Let’s hypothetically say that you are living together and not having sex (which is often the goal for professing believers but rarely how it actually plays out). This is still a problem because the assumption by everyone around you is that you are having sex and therefore living just like the world and affirming its ways.

There is more to dive into, such as John 4 and the Samaritan woman, but I think the point is made. Ultimately, I would ask you to consider what the Lord is calling you to do. Are you leading and caring for your significant other and seeking their ultimate good in Jesus? I would also remind you that if you are in Christ, God loves you as a son or daughter, and you are not condemned by your sin or mistakes. You can move forward with the joy of the Lord as you take steps to follow Him more closely through repentance and faith.

As always, feel free to reach out, fill out a prayer request, and I’ll be in touch.